Sands Through An Hourglass

Several weeks ago when my daily life abruptly changed, I had in my mind a list of projects that I was going to tackle and complete. I was going to get busy and productive and I was going to be one huge flurry of productivity. I was going to be in top form as a project manager of multiple sewing, writing, and music projects. My inner project manager was going to schedule their lone resource (ahem, me!) to ensure maximum productivity.

Can anyone guess how well this worked out?

EPIC FAIL!!

There are a ton of things to do and arrangements to be made as ten years with one employer come to an end. Definitely, it resulted in more than one trip to Edmonton. This reduced the number of execution hours available. I wish I could say that that was all it was. There was actually more.

I did have one win. I was able to finish one music project that had a deadline of November 20th. I wrote a piece for a brass quintet that I submitted to a competition. I have never done anything like that before. Submitting a piece to a composition competition, that is. I love writing music. I just get into a zone and lose all sense of time. The piece of music ended up taking more time than my inner project manager had allotted. I was doing my best to be as meticulous as possible when crafting the score. It is a competition, after all, and the details matter. 

I was happy with what I had come up with and content with what I had submitted. Now, my chances for winning? Eh, we will see. It will all depend upon the judges and what it is that they are looking for in a piece of music. The important thing for me is that I actually did it. I wrote a piece of music that I actually submitted to a composer competition. It is about the only thing that has made my inner project manager happy in the last few weeks.

What other projects did my inner project manager have lined up for completion the last few weeks? I need to replace a pair of jeans that are on their last legs, no pun intended. The fabric is ready for the project. I was just doing the internal debate about which jeans’ pattern I want to use. I think I have come to a decision on that, but I am still a long way from feeling inspired to move forward with the actual execution.

I have been getting M out to the park to hang out with his doggy friends. That has been a win. I wanted to record more piano and trumpet videos for my YouTube channel that I have just started in the last few months. I wanted extra practice time to really put together some fabulous performances. The practice is not happening as much as I had hoped. I would like to think it is happening more than when I was away from home all day. I just haven’t done the recording. The few sessions that I did attempt to record, I ended up frustrated. I do just need to keep going and keep working on it, but my head is not in the game at the moment. I think my inner project manager just did not take into account the temperamental nature of a musician.

Of course, my birthday happened in all this and I have had a truly fabulous time connecting with friends and doing lunch and brunch. It has been terrific, but again not conducive to supporting the execution schedule that my inner project manager had generated.

The one factor that my inner project manager did not consider is how my body and brain is craving stillness and quiet. The truth is, the only thing I truly feel like doing is losing myself in a book. Even for my composition project, I had to literally drag myself out of the world of Stephanie and Lula to lose myself in the sounds of brass instruments. I am craving stillness, not busy-ness. Honestly, the only thing I truly want to do is to curl up on the couch with the dog and a book.

I do have music commitments, so I need to keep on top of my practising. More importantly, I need to find my focus so I can keep my head in the game, which seems to be a bit of a struggle for me the last few weeks.

My inner project manager needs to chill. That is definitely easier said than done as a person who likes to get sh!t done. Right now, the thought of getting sh!t done is just not as appealing as it usually is.

I guess I will just take the downtime. Instead of forcing myself to meet the demands of my inner project manager, I will honour my desire for quiet hibernation mode. I know I will return to my energetic, productive self soon enough. For now, I will just be.